Why Your Luck Really Sucks

I ain’t a superstitious person. I’ve never even considered the possibility that there might be something wrong with smashing a mirror. Just yesterday as I was standing before my great, big, smouldering vanity, I was struck by the realization that it’s all bogus. That’s right, I said bogus. Because it is. Luck? Who croaked in your soup? Luck is a thing designed to make old people cry and children have nightmares. It’s myth. It’s fiction.

But it’s also true.

What? True?? Okay, I know I can’t contradict myself, but I just did. So what? It’s true. Luck is real. It’s when you drag yourself out of bed in the morning, pull on your pants, and realize that your still alive. It’s when you slip in the shower and realize that you’ve still got feet. It’s when you slice off your finger while cutting your morning bagel, and realize you’ve still got hands.

Get the point?

Sure you’ve heard at least one person say something like, “pain reminds you your alive.” Luck is the same. It’s not good AND bad like some would have us believe; it just is. It’s a negative force that instructs us positively. It’s there to remind us exactly who we are, what we’re up against, where we’re going to. It drags us down. It spits on us. It tells us we’re no good.

But you know what? It’s luck. Too bad, so sad. Shoulda read the manual.

Luck is a living, breathing entity that likes to peak in your window at night with its big, round eyes and gnarly fangs. It wants all your dirty secrets. But I’m going to share a secret with you. LUCK IS JEALOUS.

That’s right. It’s jealous of YOU! Why? Because you’re better than it, and it knows that. That’s why it makes you feel bad. Remember when I said that luck is when you get up in the morning and remember you’re still alive? Right, well, that’s luck because you know you’re winning. It hasn’t got you down—or rather you haven’t got down on it.

So long as you keep remembering that you’re alive, and that you’re good at what you do beit shovelling garbage or driving a million-dollar car, you’ll ALWAYS have good luck!

And if all else fails, ask for a lollipop.